


hold me tight

by Anry



Category: NCT (Band), SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: Aftercare, Anxiety, Collars, Dom Taeyong, Established Relationship, Gen, Leashes, Light BDSM, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Non-Sexual Kink, Non-Sexual Submission, Sub Ten
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-02-07 21:04:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21464530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anry/pseuds/Anry
Summary: ???????????? I honestly don't know.Ten has anxiety.Ten and Taeyong have an established DS relationship.Ten looks great in collars. Taeyong has very beautiful hands.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 102





	hold me tight

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so that's what you get when a demisexual golden retriever (me) writes DS fanfiction. 
> 
> Thank you, [kaiSSa666](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaiSSa666) for all your comments, and corrections and also for enduring my endless screams about Taetens.  
You are a treasure.
> 
> Also, absolutely non of this is my fault, honestly. 

In the car, on their way from the studio, Ten is so restless he doesn’t know where to put himself - he argues with Haechan about the choreography, whines to Taeil about how tired he is, keeps scrolling through his Instagram (even though there’s nothing new in it). The ride is loud, just like it usually is with them all together. They are exhausted, sure, but on their own sugar-high wave. Still Ten notices that Taeyong doesn’t join them, just staring quietly in the window, in his earphones, annoyed by the noise. It should be draining for him to watch over all 18 members including dreamies.

The only thing Ten wants to do at the moment is to curl up by Taeyong’s side, small, supporting presence, and apologise for— everything, really, even the things which are not his fault. But he can’t force himself to stop bickering and making noise, agitated and nervous, like the whole day before. The nervous energy bubbles in him, and he doesn’t quite follow what he says, talking just to push away his thoughts.

Taeyong probably noticed how edgy Ten was during the filming, probably only had to look once at Ten’s tired face to know he hadn’t slept much, as he was watching Youtube up until 4 in the morning. But he didn’t say anything to Ten. To be honest, even if he wanted to, Ten did everything possible to escape the conversation.

Ten knows he shouldn’t be doing that. It just made it worse, as always, to lie to his neighbours in the dorm that he is fine, and then lying to his hyungs, and his therapist that he sleeps well, and he is okay with all the activities. Now, out of all that — hiding from Taeyong. 

Ten honestly thought that this mild anxiety will just go away, that he can cope himself, as he usually does nowadays. But he couldn’t and now it seems kind of late and pathetic to ask for help.

Ten can’t quite tell if Taeyong is mad at him. Disappointed, maybe, maybe distant, but then, maybe his hyung doesn’t notice anything different and it’s just his anxiety speaking. 

It seemed smart and logical in the beginning, to keep it from Taeyong, not to bother him. Anyway, Taeyong has too much on his own plate these days. 

But right now, in the car, he regrets this decision a lot. He doesn’t know what he was thinking about. That Taeyong wouldn’t notice? That Taeyong would be okay seeing that Ten isn’t and knowing that Ten doesn’t— what? Trust Taeyong enough?

The thought of it is killing Ten, but there isn’t even a moment where they could stay alone. And Taeyong would never discuss something like that around other members. Especially with Ten, for many reasons.

Ten pushes Haechan who tries to poke him in the cheek, reaching from the second row seat behind. As Ten does, he looks at Taeyong again, just catching a glimpse of his expression, making sure he is not staring suspiciously. He can’t read the expression, though. Never can tell what Taeyong is thinking about when they are around other people.

Ten can’t help but sometimes hate how good they both are in pretending. He hopes that Taeyong notices him and then also hopes he doesn’t, and all he can do is just keep guessing, while laughing obnoxiously loud to Haechan trying to kiss WinWin in the cheek. 

When they get out of the car, Ten heads to his dorm, disappointed and relieved at the same time that he gets to escape, when Taeyong catches him by the elbow, almost immediately letting go. The skin where Taeyong touched him burns, while inside Ten feels frozen.

“Do you have time today?” Ten searches his hyung’s face for a sight of anger, or annoyance, but doesn’t find any as Taeyong looks directly at him, calm and focused. This focus, deliberation in Taeyong’s eyes suddenly make Ten want to cry. He doesn’t, obviously, by now used to dealing with the mood swings. He nods.

For a second Ten doesn’t get why Taeyong stays silent, but then understands that he never said anything, and hyung is just waiting for a reply more deliberate than a tiny head movement.

Ten adds, “Yeah.” Before he can stop himself, he speaks again, this time more clear, “Yes, hyung.”

The look in Taeyong’s eyes is not something Ten can decipher right now. “My room in an hour?”

Their manager calls them to announce tomorrow's schedule, so Ten doesn’t have a chance to say anything else, but he grips Taeyong’s hand and squeezes it two times lightly. He lets go immediately after, as they all approach the manager, who already started explaining about their filming.

The next hour goes by in a blur. Ten shoves some ramyun down his throat, talks with Kun about the upcoming show, showers, tries to watch some videos, but his attention keeps skipping from one thing to another, too much happening in his head at once, problems, fears, doubts. 

There are too many of them and he can’t quite figure them out and trace, solve one by one, his mind being louder than the whole bunch of dreamies together. Last ten minutes he stares in his wardrobe pointlessly as he tries to choose a T-shirt, which doesn’t even matter. Not for Taeyong, not for whatever they will be doing. 

An hour later he stands next to the door of Taeyong’s room and knocks, unsure if it will be Johnny to open, or not. Most likely not. If Taeyong was planning a party he wouldn’t be so secretive about asking Ten about it, earlier. There also wasn’t that many reasons for them to hang our all together in the evening. 

Ten’s heart beats faster in anticipation, as he hears Taeyong’s steps behind the door, and then sees the handle moving. 

Taeyong appears in the door frame, freshly showered and changed to his dorm clothes - simple T-shirt and stretchy jeans, much like Ten himself. He makes a step back, letting Ten in. When he does, Taeyong closes the door again behind them, a standard measure of precaution. Ten can hear the lock on the door being turned twice. 

They are obviously alone. Ten is still not sure what exactly Johnny knows or thinks about this, or where he disappears sometimes, but somehow it is a thing which barely bothers Ten. Taeyong told him once, that it’s okay, and he has this covered, and Ten never had a reason not to trust his hyung in these matters. In any matters.

Ten suddenly feels awkward right now, just because the door is locked and there is no one inside but him and Taeyong. It’s the same feeling to the one he constantly felt at the start of this, when it was new and unfamiliar. Nowadays it almost never is. Except for today.

Here, like that, Ten doesn’t have to bother pretending. He knows that for sure, but he still can’t let himself go. He should be able to, by this point, but he isn’t. And there is a way he is supposed to act, and the things he is supposed to do, but they just don’t add up today, his thinking muddled from anxiety and lack of sleep. Ten doesn’t want to disappoint Taeyong, but isn’t sure if he can somehow help it. 

When he feels Taeyong’s slim fingers closing around his wrist, Ten shudders from the touch, tensing immediately. It’s also embarrassing because Taeyong can probably feel how Ten’s blood pulses rapidly. 

“Are you okay to start?” Taeyong asks in the same way as earlier, on the parking lot, his voice deep, firm, and tender at the same time, something Ten can’t quite define in the way he speaks. 

It’s not unusual for them to just start right away, without talking before. This communication, the interaction, is in some ways more routine than everything they do together. And yet, Ten can’t keep up today.

He nods, still looking at the floor. They do not move, and Taeyong brings his free hand to Ten’s neck, touching it gently, and then placing his fingers on Ten’s chin, pushing it up and making Ten look up at him. 

“This won’t do,” Taeyong doesn’t look angry when he corrects him. Not now, not ever before, even when Ten fucks up. This tenderness in his voice, this thing Ten couldn’t quite catch is written all over his hyung’s face. It’s care. “Try again.”

Ten swallows, the grip of his anxiety instantly loosening a bit just because he understands clearly what he needs to do. 

“Yes, hyung.”

“Better,” Taeyong’s voice becomes just that one bit more pleased, like Ten is doing something right, “and again.”

This time it takes a moment for Ten to realise what is required from him, but Taeyong doesn’t show that he is annoyed or impatient, just waiting for Ten to make up his mind. 

Ten focuses again on his reply, getting it right, slipping away from calling Taeyong hyung the whole day like he is supposed to do everywhere but here. He slips to the place where he only ever calls him by name, and it is just a small, tiny detail, which finally makes him focus on Taeyong, his presence, the warmth emanating from his hands, the safety of the closed door and curtains, soft light only half of which is switched on in the room, probably because Taeyong’s eyes are too tired from the lenses he had to wear today. 

“Yes, Taeyong.”

“Good,” Taeyong smiles to him, a tiny reserved smile, and drags him towards the wardrobe in the corner of the room. Ten stands next to it waiting for Taeyong to get ready. 

Like that, all alone in the room, where nobody sees them, Ten can’t remember anymore what got him so confused in the beginning. He remembers the way he couldn’t get over the thought that Taeyong is angry with him, like he didn’t know that Taeyong’s patience was beyond where he could ever reach. 

Tayoung moves the clothes in the wardrobe reaching to the box with their scene outfits from the past. His and Johnny’s wardrobe is giant and filled with all kinds of stuff, as they both are into fashion and they could have probably used the space reserved for the outfits in a different way, but Taeyong still kept them. Not that Taeyong is sentimental, but it’s easier to hide things among the stage clothing. Even if somebody finds it, they will just think that these is stuff from backstage. Taoyung always pays this deliberate attention to the safety of what they do, so no one can know and it won’t affect them later on.

Ten can feel his heart beating faster, as soon as he sees the collar in Taeyong’s hands. It is beautiful by itself, just the sight of it, slender fingers on the wide piece of sturdy black leather. But together with that Ten also anticipates the moment when it touches his skin, cold and thick leather edge on a contrast with soft inner lining. He remembers the feeling by heart. 

Ten intentionally chose a T-shirt with a wider collar, so the fabric doesn’t stand in the way regardless of what Taeyong decides to do with him today. 

Taeyong closes the collar around Ten’s neck just as he usually does - tight enough so Ten can feel the pressure, but not enough to restrict his breathing. Before he moves to the second buckle, Ten manages to force an unexpectedly weak, “Taeyong” out of his mouth. The hands on the collar stop.

“Yes, Ten?” His voice, the same as when he is focused on something and they distract him, makes Ten immediately regret talking. Although now he will have to finish the sentence. 

He swallows. Talking actual words is a bit easier now, but still hard, as from inside his head using speech seems impossible. He does his best anyway, “Fast it tighter,” and then ads “please.”

Taeyong’s hands freeze for a moment, and then Ten can feel him undoing the lower buckle and adjusting it.

It’s not something unusual, for them to go just one point tighter. It’s a tiny difference, makes it just a little harder to breathe, when you have to feel every inhale. Ten knows that just this one more inch will make it even harder, unpleasantly difficult, and that makes him say, out of nowhere, before he can stop himself, “Please, Taeyong, tighter.”

This time Taeyong doesn’t comply, instead moving his right hand around Ten’s neck by the edge of the collar, checking the tightness. Ten knows the reply before it comes.

“No.”

Ten can feel his cheeks flush from embarrassment. He knows he shouldn’t have asked. Knows that it’s not safe to try restricting the breath with a collar that much, knows Taeyong would never do anything that can harm Ten. It doesn’t feel like he deserves any of that care right now.

Taeyong finishes with the collar, and it forces Ten’s posture to change, as it’s impossible to look down with how the sturdy leather ends just below his chin. It gets him to straighten his back, too. The breath— it’s not restricted. Same with the blood flow, the collar presses just enough for Ten to feel his blood pulsing in his neck. His heart is beating like crazy.

Ten can feel Taeyong’s fingers going around the collar again, checking if there’s enough space for Ten to breathe, “Is it comfortable?”

“Yes,” Ten swallows, and the collar on his neck doesn’t prevent him from doing so.

“Ten, I’d like you to focus on your breathing,” Taeyong walks around him, to look him in the eyes now when Ten can’t hide them, “Remember, deep breaths. I want your breathing to be deep and controlled.”

“Yes, Taeyong.” For that he gets Taeyong to trace a line on his forehead, moving the hair out of the face, gentle. 

Ten is left standing, while Taeyong kneels next to the wardrobe again, a single swift motion down. Ten can hear the way he is roaming through the outfit box, and before he knows it he sees the black leather leash in his hands.

Before fasting the leash to the collar, Taeyong takes Ten’s hand in his, palm up and places a metal ball in it. An extra precaution, so Taeyong doesn’t miss the moment if something goes wrong and Ten starts to feel dizzy. Ten doesn’t think it can, but it’s not his ground to decide.

The ball, same size as an average one for golf, is cold at the start, but then the temperature adjust quickly as the warmth of Ten’s hand transfers to it,

Ten hears the click of the leash being connected to the collar, and almost immediately— feels how Taeyong tugs on it, just to check how well it is fastened. 

Lately that alone was enough for Ten to let go, the feeling of the guidance, the leash being in somebody else’s hands, but today it’s different, and it somehow feels like a step back. He closes his eyes to try forcing all the feelings down and concentrate on what happens right now, instead of staying in his head but fails.

They just stand there for an awfully long moment. Ten anticipates— something. Like he deserves to be punished, for how he behaved lately, and Ten craves for the punishment, hoping that after it he can feel better. 

Taeyong just touches his cheek, soft, same as before, and asks, “Can you tell me how you feel?”

It isn’t what Ten expected. It would be different, if he asked Ten directly about his emotions. For a second Ten thinks, that if Taeyong just asked him about his feelings, Ten would try to lie, the shittiest thing you can do in the scene. But instead Taeyong somehow knows that Ten can’t be trusted right now.

It slowly untangles one little thing in Ten’s chest. Even if he can’t trust himself, he knows better than not to trust Taeyong. It has always been like this. Ten doesn’t need to be someone he is not, when he is next to Taeyong. He had already seen Ten at his lowest points, moments that Ten was sure will never share with anyone else, and still.

He takes a shuddering breath, and quietly says, “No. I can’t,” then, after a second he adds, words slipping through his mouth before he can stop them, “I am sorry.”

Ten opens his eyes to look at Taeyong’s reaction, still cautious about seeing him annoyed, or disappointed, but it doesn’t look like he is.

“Good,” Taeyong nods, for some reason satisfied with his reply. He wraps the leash around his hand a couple times just to make it slightly shorter and more suitable to the size of the room, black leather around thin wrist with easily defined bones. 

Taeyong turns and walks to a different corner of the room, where he and Johnny have a tiny sofa, one of the first things they bought themselves, because the bunk beds aren’t that comfortable. Ten follows easily, strangely used to the feeling of the leash. He wishes for a second, the room wasn’t so tiny and he could just follow Taeyong like that for longer, absolutely clear about how he can please Taeyong.

Taeyong sits on the sofa, and tugs on the leash down, indicating that he expects Ten to kneel. Ten does, softly coming to his knees and sitting on the heels. Like that, with a collar holding his head up and Taeyong looking down at him, it’s hard to avoid eye contact. It feels like Taeyong looks right through him and sees everything, and Ten can’t escape. It’s embarrassing, but the fact that Taeyong doesn’t leave and stays with him, as if he likes what he sees, like he thinks that Ten is beautiful. It makes Ten want to keep standing like that on his knees right next to Taeyong, forever.

Taeyong pats his knee a couple of times, again indicating what he wants. Ten obliges gladly changing his position to comply. As his head slightly leans back, he can feel the collar getting a fraction tighter. Ten clenches the metal ball in his hands. Taeyong trusts him with that — to signal if something goes wrong, or if Ten feels unwell, and this trust is not something he would ever want to betray. 

Ten brings his attention back to the breathing, and the feeling of the collar on his neck. He can feel that his cheeks get warmer, an indication that the blood flow is affected. He takes a couple of steadying breaths, deep, to fill his lungs with air. When he does that, he feels blood pulsing in his throat, and the heart pumping it, just a little bit slower than before. 

Ten concentrates on the posture, straightens his shoulders a bit more. All of it together somewhat calms him down, at least for that brief moment before Taeyong slips his fingers into Ten’s hair, combing them gently. It makes Ten feel undone and naked, the most intimate thing in the world  — this sudden gesture of affection and care, while Ten doesn’t think he deserves any of it. 

Ten feels the same urge to just start crying, which he felt on the car park, but this time a completely different thing stops him. Constricting his throat would probably make it hard for him to breathe in the collar. And he just wants to stay in it for as long as he can, while Taeyong keeps touching his hair, scratching his scalp, like if Ten was a cat. Ten leans in a bit more, as much as the collar lets him, craving for Taeyong to keep touching him.

At some point Taeyong transfers his attention to Ten’s ear, making his heart rate go up again, as Taeyong touches his piercings gently tugging at it so Ten can feel it. 

When Taeyong speaks, it is so sudden, that Ten almost raises his head to look up at him, but then doesn’t, because Taeyong didn’t tell him to move. 

“Tell me what happened,” this time he isn’t asking, and Ten can’t say no.

He swallows, his throat suddenly dry, but it seems like all that attention did something to him, and now the words are easier, “I am not—” he pauses, takes another deep breath, “I am not sleeping well.” Even though he knows he should and that by not taking care of himself he only makes it worse for everyone. But whenever he tries there is just too much happening in his head and he can’t stop thinking. 

“Is that why your anxiety is back?” Ten knew there was no way Taeyong didn’t notice. He always notices everything. 

Ten would love to just say yes, but it wouldn’t be true. Not completely, so he doesn’t. After a bit of silence, Taeyong’s hand goes back to his hair, tugging on it. It isn’t sharp but Ten can still feel the pressure.

“Ten,” there is a warning in his voice, “Tell me, what happened.”

It’s the hardest thing to admit, but if he can do that anywhere at all, it’s only like this, while Taeyong has his hair in his hand and the leash from the collar wrapped around his wrist. 

It makes Ten feel like it’s okay to let go, words escaping his throat without him controlling the flow, “It’s too much. I can’t keep up. I have to start learning Chinese, and sometimes I am just so tired that I don’t understand Korean anymore. I can’t do that. I can’t get better at singing, too” Ten’s throat constricts and it becomes hard to breathe, so he stops talking and tries to make deeper breaths to calm down. Taeyong goes back to petting his hair, releasing it from the grip, his touch gentle again. “If I debut in China I will have to move there and I don’t. I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t think I’m even talented enough to be on stage,” Ten can feel tears in the corners of his eyes, so he blinks a couple times to get rid of them. He doesn’t usually talk about his fears with anyone. Not even with his therapist, especially now since he has debuted. 

He thought he could finally be happy and rest after he debuts, but then the race just kept becoming tighter and tighter, and it feels like if you make just one single mistake everything will be ruined. His career. His friendships. Taeyong. 

The thought of it makes Ten speak again, “I miss you.”

It’s true. Even though they perform together now, because of his upcoming Chinese debut they barely have time to spend together. Especially like this, and it scares Ten. He is so used to Taeyong being there, catching him, and also to himself trying hard to be good, to make Taeyong proud. 

He feels a slight tug of the leash and sits straight to turn to Taeyong. Taeyong’s hand slips out of his hair, but the feeling of the touch still lingers. 

Taeyong looks down at Ten, a concerned look in his eyes, “Then why were you avoiding me the whole day?”

The first urge for Ten is to claim that he wasn’t, and it has just been a busy day, or that he didn’t want to bother Taeyong, but that wouldn’t be true again, and Ten knows better than lying. Nonetheless, he averts the eye contact, and looks at Taeyong’s knees, covered by the jeans. He wants to look at the floor, hunch, hide from the question, but the collar doesn’t let him, keeping his posture upright, reminding him of the leash is in Taeyong’s hand.

Taeyong doesn’t nudge him to look up, or to answer faster, so Ten takes a moment, grasping tighter to the metal in his palm. He knows he can say a safeword right now, and Taeyong would end this without any second thoughts, but Ten doesn’t want it to end.

It feels like if Taeyong was holding him, instead of just the leash. Safe. Belonging and protected. 

“I don’t want to disappoint you,” Ten can feel his cheeks getting red, the effect especially clear when he is in a collar, with blood rushing to his cheeks.

“You don’t,” Taeyong’s reply is as simple as that, just one phrase to answer to all of Ten’s chaotic worries and fears, and then a question, “Why do you think you would?”

The whole day Ten was pretty sure he absolutely knew why. His anxiety kind of created this world where he was a disappointment, where Taeyong was angry, because Ten doesn’t try hard enough, but now, like that, next to him it all seems like a distant nightmare.

He can recall the reasoning, though, “I thought. I don’t know. That I am not— trying hard enough? Work hard enough,” he swallows, cold mist of the distant fear creeping back inside his head, “Don’t take care of myself good enough.”

After a short pause, he can feel Taeyong’s hand on his chin again, and Ten leans into the touch, to feel more of Taeyong’s fingers, which trace his cheekbone, his ear, then goes down to the nape of his neck.

Taeyong tugs on the leash, slightly, makes Ten put his head on his knees again. His right hand goes back to Ten’s hair, scratching lightly behind the ear.

“I am not disappointed in you, Ten. You know I’ve never been. You never gave me a reason,” in Taeyong’s soft voice these words are like a magical medicine, which heals everything it touches, “It’s a hard time for all of us and you are doing such a good job.”

Taeyong says many other things, all in the same voice, caringly touching his head, shoulders, hands. He praises his singing, and dancing, and Ten can feel the kind words taking him apart until he feels so calm and so light, sleepy, but in a good way. His heartbeat becomes equal, and he hears every beat of it. He would have doubted the kind words, second guessed the attention, but Taeyong knows how to make it impossible.

Minutes or hours later, when his legs go numb from sitting on the floor, as Ten is too reluctant to change his position, Taeyong helps him to stand up, carefully taking Ten’s hands into his, and putting away the ball Ten was still holding. Taeyong takes off the collar, buckle after buckle, Then checks if Ten’s neck is okay, skimming his fingers over the sensitive skin under the chin and then lightly massaging the back of it. Then he helps Ten to take off his T-shirt, moves to the shoulders, puts more pressure on the tired mussels there and Ten whimpers softly from the pleasure as the tension left from practice and filming leaves too. 

Taeyong is good at that, and maybe it’s a leader thing, or a dancing thing, the way how deliberate and controlled his movements are, strong fingers finding every strained spot rubbing it until Ten lets go.

They both change into T-shirts Taeyong uses for sleep and Ten waits as Taeyong unfolds the sofa into a small bed, which is still wider than the bunk bed they have. He can barely stand right now, as his whole body feels foreign, soft, melted. His mind is quiet, like Taeyong’s presence makes it unnecessary for Ten to worry.

They lie under the blanket. Taeyong hugs him from behind, his breath warm against Ten’s nape, arm wrapped around his waist. Like that, Ten falls asleep, feeling safe and content. Peaceful.

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY THANK U FOR READING. U'r great, I hope you liked it. 
> 
> Please love NCT and EXO and SuperM and everyone cause they are so wonderful I can honestly cry. 
> 
> This is a gif for you


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